tw: log of a panic attack
October 29, 2016
I'm feeling pretty anxious about the flight, and I think it's because I'm exhausted from the past few days and not sleeping well. I'll just type out what I'm feeling so that you have an idea of what I go through when flying. And because it helps me document what's running through my mind. It's insane, usually moments after arriving at my final destination, all my anxieties and nausea and tense muscles just relax, so it's not even genuine for me to try to recollect what I'm feeling post-arrival.
Right now I'm having a hard time swallowing my saliva. My lungs feel kind of heavy as if my rib cage wants to keep them collapsed. I'm forcing myself to chew gum to get saliva and blood flowing, but swallowing makes my stomach feel uncomfortable.
The light coming through the half open- blind is giving me a headache and the girl next to me is picking her nose and I can just picture all the germs and microbes all around me. It feels as if they're attacking me and I have no room to breath and no fresh air. The air smells like gasoline, which only exacerbates my discomfort.
I'm aware of all the air in my stomach, intestines, and esophagus and every time I take a deep breath I feel like I might get sick.
We're about to take off. This is my favorite part. The g-force against my stomach feels really relaxing on my abs and helps me just enjoy the ride for a few moments. But I think the altitude change does affect me more than I realize.
My head's rested on the seat in front of me, the position of my spine doesn't feel unfavorable this way. But the person in front of me keeps moving, so each move feels really turbulent and scares me a bit for some reason.
I'm listening to the same song on repeat and it's distracting me a bit. We're taxi-ing to the runway and every little bump in the road the plane runs over also freaks me out a little bit.
What if I'm just scared of being scared? Of having to relive for the hundredth time those terrible thoughts and feelings and physical sensations?
I have a vomit bag set up in front of me and Yankee in my lap. I'm hoping that this flight will go well, but it usually doesn't when I start it on this note. Praying helps a bit, but I think I just need to try to think about something else and try to sleep. Daydreams tend to help, even if my anxieties of the flight seep through.
I'm just glad it's not a long flight. I also told a few people not to worry if I get sick. I have my own system and the worst part of traveling with others is them not knowing how to react.
The engines are revving up. I can feel my nerves getting a bit more hyped and my stomach feels more nauseous. I'm going to close my eyes
I honestly just want to cry right now. I'm so sick of having this be a problem in my life. I want it to stop, to be able to enjoy the flight, to be able to talk to all the diverse people around me, or my schoolmate. It's old. I'm tired of it. I just want to shed this part of my life off my soul like an old skin and just walk away from it. But part of me fears it'll never leave me.
Pitying myself will get me nowhere, I have to be strong. I can't give into my dark thoughts and fears. There are so many other things rushing through my head usually, where do they all disappear to when I'm here? What is it about this strange condition that makes me so obsessed with it?
We're in the air. They should invent/sell ginger gum. Mint makes me nauseous even driving in the car, this fruity one is good, but too sweet for my over sensitive tastebuds at the moment. Ginger would be good because it could send small doses of ginger to my stomach at a time and help relax it.
We just landed and I feel a lot better. I slept for the entire flight and whenever my headphones would pop out or I'd have to get up or change sleeping position, I'd get suddenly nervous and nauseous and I'd have to put myself to sleep again
“Oh, monsters are scared. That’s why they’re monsters” - Neil Gaiman